I had to stop and consider whether I was really going to let my 25th year of life slip away without saying…something.
If you’re connected with me on any social media outlet, you know I always have some kind of thought to express. (Let’s be honest, my captions are books sometimes. Ha!]
And up until a month or so ago, I had been able to accomplish that in an extended form of writing…blogging. I want to say that something changed at that time…but the truth is, it started earlier than that…around the time Neriah passed back in November. Life began to stretch out in every direction after that. Little by little, areas started to intensify, never really breaking me but always just enough to make the shifting of it all felt. I felt my foundation shifting under me; I felt…unsettled, like I couldn’t get my footing in life. The career front was taking off [yet again] heading towards new heights and direction, all the while things began to feel like they were being tossed at sea on the personal front; I felt extremely vulnerable and subjected to the direction and intensity of life’s waves.
It eventually became an internal fight to stay grounded in peace and clarity.
At a given moment, any two aspects of life could go wildly in the opposite direction of the other. It became a steady, and mounting roll of challenges, losses, gains, and endless, endless lessons. Now, this happens all the time in life, especially over a long period of time…but this wasn’t a long period of time. This was a matter of months.
You ever have a time like that in your life, where every damn thing “turns up” on you and you’re just trying to catch your breath and #keepcalm as it happens? You know, you might catch yourself saying, “this is some bullshit,” or “what the hell is going on?” or “happy hour is my happy hour” or “I’m running away” or “I need a vacation…I didn’t want to ‘wake up like this’,” or “Jesus, I’m so serious, be a shield AND take the wheel” or “I can’t” or the oh so fed up and sarcasm laced: “eff it, I’ma just turn up all day everyday because clearly life doesn’t need me trying to do anything productive. I’m just trying to live my dreams and shit–just trying to get by. No biggie.”
Yeah…you know one, if not all, of those in some form of familiarity. And if you don’t, just you wait on it, my friend.
The past month or so was simply it all coming to a head; my uncle passed, my family ached in our strength and faith, my passion for my dream waned, my mind and spirit had seemingly tired out on me, business had come to a standstill because life had done the same, and I was left praying to have the strength to endure whatever it was that I was in the midst of. Writing wasn’t an escape anymore…I couldn’t even string my thoughts into a worthy post to try to express where I was at; I was too busy trying to assess it internally my damn self. And it wasn’t like my obligations and responsibilities in life had ceased…in fact, that turned out to be the glimmer of hope that showed me there was still a great amount of fight left in me-that’s how I realized that I wasn’t being broken, I was simply undergoing change. I was under construction.
The questions then became: how was I going to allow all of this to affect me? How am I going to be “constructed” after this? How low was I going to sink? How beat up was I going to get?
Now, yes, I believe that sometimes you do just have to let things flow; you have to give it a chance and see where they go. But I also believe that there are times in life when you’ve got to fight to move forward–to progress and grow–like your life depends on it; because damn it, it does.
“Going in one more round when you don’t think you can – that’s what makes all the difference in your life.”
What you choose to do today and how you choose to handle the events of the day, are setting a silent tone for how you’re likely to operate later in life.
I don’t know about you but I only have plans of winning in life–of going further, going higher and growing deeper. I’m starting to think that I didn’t realize how close I had come to doing all of that…and that as a result, a change would need to occur. To achieve the success that I envision, to live the life that I desire, a change would need to occur. There were areas in me that had to be stripped, shaken, revealed and rewired for me to be able to handle my purpose and walk confidently in the way that it would have to be handled.
With every new high and low, a fear was faced. A strength was developed. A flaw was realized or confronted. A belief was tested.
Think mental and spiritual boot camp…and put more emphasis on the spiritual. I say that because the process required me to be at my most vulnerable state that I’ve ever been in life…and that warranted a deeper spiritual yearning and understanding. I needed answers. I needed time to figure it all out…again.
You ever feel like every time you turn around you have to figure some shit out in life? Nah? Just me?
God found a way to give me time. It wasn’t anything like I would have imagined–a vacation was actually more along the lines of what I was thinking–but it was time to myself that I grew very thankful to have. And He dug into me during that time. Ha…who am I kidding…He still is.
Anywho, by the time April came to a close, I was starting to feel some life coming back in me…the ambitious hunger began to creep up in me…the vision for my future began to unfold day by day. All of this is still transpiring by the way. I’m nowhere near 100% yet, but I’m definitely getting back into my zone. It doesn’t feel quite the same though; I don’t think the same, I don’t pray the same and I damn sure don’t operate quite the same.
So yes, I’m starting to understand why the change was necessary.
I probably should have prefaced all of this by first stating that I believe everything happens for a reason…but if you’ve been a reader of my journey, you know this. If not, now you do [oh and, hey, thankful to have you here! xo].
My 26th birthday is hours away, sitting right there chillin’ on Mother’s Day, and all I can think is how I’ve come one hell of a way. My 25th year of life was everything…it was beautiful, it was painful–so unbelievably painful. It was invigorating; it was full of risks and it yielded great rewards.
Most importantly…my 25th year of life settled the foundation of who I am. And while I have the rest of my life, God-willing, to explore the height and the breadth of who I am and who I’m becoming, I have no question about the depth of my soul–the core of my very existence.
I don’t know if this is simply a unique time in my life or if this is what normally happens around 25.
#DeuceSeis…I made it.
I’m just happy to be here…and ready to continue living out my purpose.
Thank you all for continuing to be on this journey with me.
I’m headed out to celebrate my gift of life now…talk to you loves soon! xoxo
– Sincerely Syreeta