We’re through the first quarter of the new year and its been a transformative one for me–one that really gave me space and opportunity to dig deep and deconstruct my fears one by one. I moved my internal needle during theses past three months and it feels good.
There use to be a time when I’d get so lost in my thoughts, so focused on the big picture that the day at hand became suffocating because there was simply too much that had to be done. I became so consumed with where things were headed and how events were likely to unfold…that I kept myself from truly living the precious moments of my life. I eventually grew tired of exerting that kind of energy; of mentally and emotionally taxing myself left and right. So I prayed and meditated, and asked for the ability to be able to bring myself peace…to develop the habits and mind frame necessary to own my peace, joy and happiness.
The first revelation came rather simply…a small whisper from deep inside, that could have likely passed as just a thought or epiphany.
“Just because I showed you a big picture, the masterpiece of artwork that is you and your life, it doesn’t mean that you’re exempt from having to create it stroke by stroke. Your days and what you choose to fill them with, represent a stroke. Learn and accept the process of a masterpiece and you will free yourself to enjoy, and appreciate, the work of art that is produced.”
So little by little with each passing day, I became more intent in the way that I lived my day. It became more important to focus and strive towards fulfilling my purpose daily, rather than in the lifetime that is still left to be lived.
My days became so much more fulfilling.
Success became something that I didn’t chase, but rather lived–truly lived and mentally operated in–each and everyday. There were challenging days of course, but what I began to realize was that I was doing a far better job of bouncing back from negative events and feelings. I was speaking so much more gently to myself. But there was still some blockage internally–some kind of mental constipation that I’ve been dealing with for sometime: my lack of blogging about my journey. I’m left and right brained so I initially reasoned that I’ve just been to busy–that the success that I’ve been blessed with, has required me to be more business focused and to share my journey mainly through social media or verbally as opposed to written. That reasoning worked for a while, but after this recent round of development, it just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Something was going on and I needed to figure it out because the ideas for blog post were still coming (I’ve written upwards of 40 blog posts in my head this year alone, and none of them have made it to site), and yet I couldn’t bring myself to write.
I’m a freaking writer–a journalist! This is how I make my living (at least part of it)! Give me an assignment and I can knock that out, no problem. But say, “Hey SS, I don’t hear your voice–your story –as much on the site. Can you start writing again?” and I had nothing. I never want my site to bear my name but no longer my voice–my real voice and story. The voice and story that everyone so graciously first turned an eye, and then ear, and then mind, and then heart to.
I had to figure this shit out. Fast.
One night, frustrated with myself and my lack of action, I pulled out two sheets of paper and wrote down a question in third person:
Why have you been hesitant to write your thoughts on the blog? To share your perspective, opinions and experiences when this is precisely how you opened the door to your purpose and success?
I took a deep breath and looked hard at the question. I knew I had to answer honestly, to be raw in whatever this fear was. So I promised myself before I started writing that I wouldn’t censor or edit my thoughts. I had to get real with myself.
And so I began…
“Because more people listen now. More people pay attention to what I have to say. I have the power to influence people and that’s…scary. I watched my life change because people started listening and caring and joining me on this journey. It’s heavy. Because I’m only human. And I make mistakes. And I’m no expert. And I’m still trying to find my way. And somehow I always fall short, every day. I’m just trying to find and learn my most authentic self, and I don’t want to lead anyone astray. I don’t want to be judged or misunderstood. I’ve come a long way in my confidence on so many levels, and while its strengthened so much, I work to build it positively a little more every day. I want what I write to be powerful and to be certain in my message. I guess I’m trying to live and focus more on growing and living, then recording the journey on that kind of level.”
I took a moment and let my words sink in…let the core of the fear sink in.
I’m afraid to write because people actually pay attention to what I have to say, or think. I’m afraid that they’ll dissect every word and sentence, every grammatical error and opinion.
I closed my eyes and meditated on them, running them through the crevices of my memory first, and then my faith. When I felt my spirit quiet, I picked up my pen and responded to my fears…
“More people listen because you haven’t led them astray. People support you because you are human and you do make mistakes…but you handle them with grace, humility and transparency. And you rise in God’s favor because of it. The only reason you aren’t an expert is because that is what YOU say and believe. Every time you’ve said something and believed it–knew it to be true with all of your heart–the universe brought it to you…a piece of those who are on this journey with you did too. You’re not falling short, you are growing, Syreeta. Your reality is a product of your intentions. You’ve been judged and misunderstood only to be humbled, which has only brought you praise and respect. And let’s be honest, you’re far more polished than you once were in writing and speaking; which means you’ll only get better because that is what your purest intentions are. The only person whoever destroyed your confidence, was you. No one has ever done more harm to you than what you allowed your mind to do to you for far too long…| Be confident in your appointed time and message, gifts and skills. You’re not working to build your confidence, you’re working to discover it. It was already placed within you according to the requirements of your purpose and work for the glory of God….| Meditate on your words. Taste them with the tongue of God. See them with the eyes of God….|You’ve been growing and living and recording your life since you could write… | No one will ever touch this world and the people you were intended to lead, touch and humble yourself in the presence of, like you will. Like you do. You said it earlier, trust in the Lord with all your might and lean not into your own understanding. But for God’s sake: WRITE!”
And here we are.
I wrote that on March 30th, 2015 at 9:23 p.m.
I stared at that damn paper for so long…and went back to it over and over again in the days that followed.
When I had moments where my natural instincts were to say, “I fell short of my goal/mark today,” or to think, “I’m always falling short, it never fails,” I instead said, “Eh, I grew a little more today. God-willing Tomorrow I will be granted the chance to do things better, to try a different approach”. I felt better about myself when I put something so simple into perspective, and that is: I am not falling short, I am simply growing. And I’ve got to give myself the room to grow. I can’t stifle it with my sometimes ridiculously high expectations and dogged determination (which was really fear) to not mess up or fail or…grow (in this case make a “mistake”). I started writing down my blog ideas–giving them the space to materialize instead of being killed off in mind or buried behind in one mental to-do list after another. And when I started to over-think about what (felt like) my “first post back” would be, I stopped and released the train of thought.
And then this morning, I woke up early for no reason that I readily knew or planned. I was just up…at 3:something in the morning. I took it to mean that God wanted me up and so I just stilled myself. Within a short time, I was moved to post a snippet from that fear exercise. Before I knew it, I had made up my mind, that that exercise would be my “first post”.
*This is where you all crap all crazy and do the ooo’s and ahhh’s like I’m Oprah and just said something deep*
Thank you *points to you*, thank you *points to some random person behind you*!
HAHA! I kid. But this does feel good. And I’m holding myself accountable to blog at least one a week (slow and steady). I’m asking all or one of you (whichevs) to be my accountability partner. To check in every Thursday and if you don’t see anything, feel free to roll up on one of my social media pages and drop a:
” *Ahem* SS…your weekly blog post?”
It’s not enough to just identify the fear, to understand the fear, to deconstruct the fear…you have to work to eradicate it. And I can be honest and say I could use some help with that.
Matter of fact, think about a fear in your life and consider giving the exercise that I did a try. And then work to eradicate it from your being–to purge yourself of any influential trace of it.
With all of the greatness that is within us, we’ve simply got no room for fear, you know?
– Sincerely Syreeta
P.s. Thank you. 😉